


Wither

by youaremystyle



Category: SHINee
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Depression, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Slice of Life, i swear these tags make this seem worse than it actually is, mentions of vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 05:43:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16759078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youaremystyle/pseuds/youaremystyle
Summary: Like a flower caught in winter season, Kibum is withering.Jinki is the warmth and sunlight that tries to save Kibum before he fades away forever.





	1. One Year

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from AFF for a contest there

#  **25 May 2017 (22:54)**

"I can't believe you just said that."

"I was obviously joking, you doofus. Besides, I-"

"Don't even look at me."

"Oh, clam it."

Lee Jinki grinned to himself as he caught up with his best friend, Kim Kibum, who was giving him the cold shoulder and stank eye after the elder's joke about _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ being better than the original _Harry Potter_ movies.

"Kibum, you know I was joking and-"

"In this household, we don't make such ridiculous statements."

"Lay off the drama for once, crackhead."

"Once you learn not to make such audacious statements."

To emphasize his point, Kibum made two very slow air-quotes with his hands, accompanied by a rather hilarious face. Jinki couldn't help but laugh out loud, and with one well-aimed jab to Kibum's side, the two fell into a fit of laughter. The pair were walking home from the train station after catching the just-released Harry Potter spinoff movie earlier that evening. Kibum, being the biggest Harry Potter nerd Jinki knew, was decked out in his own Slytherin uniform, complete with a fake wand and pointed black hat. Jinki, who had just finished the series two days before the movie, was not as well-versed in all the characters, timelines, theories, and whatnot about the series. Still, Kibum was his best friend, and he gladly accepted the latter's invitation to see the movie.

The pair had just graduated from university together and were spending the summer having fun and enjoying life before settling down to look for jobs and see where life takes them in the future. 

"I heard they're gonna make a sequel to _Fantastic Beasts_ ," Jinki said after a few moments of comfortable silence, "not sure when it's gonna be out."

"Shut up," Kibum replied in a genuinely surprised voice, literally stopping in his tracks, "you're fucking with me."

Jinki's face contorted into a shit-eating grin. "Well, will you look at that - I knew about something Harry Potter related before our favorite fanboy did."

"Keep talking like that and I'll _crucio_ your ass."

"I'm assuming that's a bad spell?"

"Pretty bad, yeah."

Kibum had a mischievous grin on his face, but Jinki simply laughed, and the pair continued their walk back to Kibum's house, discussing Jinki's comment about a sequel. Jinki could practically hear the excitement in his friend's voice, and that made him smile broadly. As for his home, Kibum's family was part of a small minority of those who lived in a house, rather than in an apartment or an officetel. Their place was a small but cozy two-story home a little outside of the downtown area.

"Wanna order chicken when we get home?" Kibum asked after another couple seconds of silence, "because I am _starving_."

"You just ate, like, a large popcorn and three boxes of Pepero during the movie," Jinki replied incredulously, "your God-given metabolism never fails to amaze me."

"And your surprise every time this situation arises never fails to amaze me. Like, seriously, how long have we known each other? Four years? And you still haven't-"

"Alright, alright, smartass," the elder friend interrupted, waving a lightheartedly dismissive hand, "I don't need another lecture."

"Whatever, dummy."

The lighthearted atmosphere continued for the duration of the walk back to Kibum's place. It was nearly 11pm, and the boys were ready to eat a late-night snack and head to bed. As the pair arrived at the house, Kibum was in the middle of explaining apparition when he suddenly stopped mid-sentence.

"-used to travel moderate distance from one place to another and-"

The abrupt stop immediately worried Jinki, who stared at his friend with concerned eyes.

"Everything okay?" he asked quietly. Kibum, however, didn't reply immediately. Rather, his eyes were fixated on his bedroom window, which was open just a crack.

"Weird," he muttered, pulling out his phone, "my mom must have opened my window for some reason."

Exhaling the breath he didn't know he was holding, Jinki relaxed his shoulders and jaw muscles. _Everything's fine_. The pair made their way to the front door, and the younger friend inserted his key into the keyhole, only to find out - _the door was unlocked_.

"What the hell?" Kibum muttered to himself again, frustration and concern evident in his voice. He turned to face Jinki, whose eyebrows were furrowed in confusion.

"I'm...not sure why the door's unlocked," he whispered, looking around in a paranoid way, slowly pulling his key out of the lock, "I...my parents are usually diligent..."

"Should...should we call the police?" the elder asked in a whisper as well. Kibum shook his head slowly and quickly responded.

"Let me call my mom's phone. She'll probably be startled but she'll let me know what's up."

Jinki nodded and watched as his friend pulled his cellphone from his pocket and dial his mother's number. He held the phone to his ear, and Jinki could hear the line ringing - three times, four times, five times, six - _"we're sorry. But the number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please-"_

"Oh, come on, mom," Kibum sighed, disconnecting the call and re-dialing the number. He held the phone to his ear once again, and, after a few more rings, the call went to voicemail again. Panic began to set in on Kibum's face as he hung up the phone. With shaking hands, he dialed his father's number, and just as the last two calls, this one went to voicemail as well. Kibum let out a frustrated noise and stuffed his phone back into his pocket.

"I don't know what's going on," he muttered, mostly to himself, although Jinki could hear him clearly. He paced around in a circle a few times before stopping and looking Jinki straight in the eyes.

"Should...no...let's just go in. They...they may have just fallen asleep or something..."

Kibum was obviously trying to rationalize everything that was going on, but fear and worry was evident in his voice, and Jinki instinctively grabbed his best friend's hand before they could move.

"Hey," he said gently, "I'm here, okay? Don't hold this in. I know how you are. I'll be here."

Jinki's calming voice and kind words seemed to calm Kibum's nerves a little, and the latter nodded slowly. "You're right..."

With that last comment, Kibum reached an uneasy hand up to the doorknob and slowly turned it. The door opened at a snail's pace as the two boys slowly looked inside before entering cautiously.

"M-mom!" Kibum exclaimed loudly, "d-dad! Jinki hyung and I are home!"

No response came from either parent, and a helpless combination of fear and concern was plastered over the younger's face. He turned on the lights in the hallway and immediately did a suspiciously strong smell of savory food hit their noses. Kibum slowly walked towards the kitchen while Jinki stood and continued to sniff the air. It smelled of sesame oil and salmon, and the thought of the combination made his stomach rumble.

"Did your parents eat recently?" he asked out loud a few seconds later, "it's a bit late for that, wouldn't you-"

And that's when Jinki heard it. The most terrible noise he had ever heard in his entire life. That scream. Kibum's scream. His blood-curdling, heart-wrenching, terrifying scream. The harrowing noise drained all the blood from Jinki's face, and he immediately followed the noise the scream that led to Kibum standing in their dining room.

"Kibum! Are you okay? Are you-"

Jinki stopped speaking abruptly when he saw the scene before him, and it took all of his willpower to not throw up on the spot. There was blood. There was so much blood in places where there shouldn't be blood. On the table. On the carpet. On the ceiling. Kibum was still screaming, but it sounded more and more muffled with each passing moment. Jinki just couldn't keep his eyes off of the younger's parents, who were slumped over in their seats. His mother, Hyeonju, had fallen across the table, arms dangling limply at her side. His father, Sungmin, however, was slumped backward, his head falling at an unnatural angle due to his severed carotid.

"Mom!" Jinki heard Kibum scream. He was trembling so violently, and his tears were flowing like waterfalls from his eyes. "Dad!"

There obviously came no answer. Jinki felt tears run down his own cheeks as well, though he made no attempt to stop them. He couldn't take his eyes off of the grotesque scene before him. He wanted to badly to look away, but his blood ran so cold that it froze him in place. He saw Kibum practically crawl over to his parents' bodies, and when he took a closer look at his father, he completely fell to the ground and just _wailed_. At that point, Jinki didn't think so much as do. He felt himself reach into his pocket and pull out his cellphone. With the muscle memory he learned as a child, he dialed the emergency number and brought the phone to his ear. He heard the line ring once before someone answered.

_"911, please state your address of your emergency."_

Jinki opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. No words could come out. He felt as though he had lost his voice. Luckily, the operator was trained and calm and spoke again.

_"911, I need your address please."_

Jinki cleared his throat and managed to speak in a shaky voice.

"Um...047 Elmwood Avenue."

_"047 Elmwood Avenue. Okay. What is your emergency?"_

The words got stuck in Jinki's throat, but he coughed again and, with a heavy heart, managed to answer in choppy sentences.

"My, um. My friend. He...His...Parents. I...I think they've...they're dead..."

_"You believe they are dead? What is their condition?"_

So many questions. Too many questions. Still, Jinki pushed through.

"Father, his father...his throat's slit. We...his mother...same, I think...there's so much blood...my friend...I-I don't know...do..."

_"Okay, sir, stay with me. Can you tell me your name please?"_

"I...L-Lee Jinki. My friend...he...he's K-Kim..Kim K-Kibum."

_"Okay, Jinki, stay with me. Now, you say the father's throat was slit? Can you tell me the condition of the mother? Do you know how to check a pulse?"_

"Y-yes..."

Jinki heard the operator say something, but he didn't pay much attention. With robotic moves, he made his way to Hyeonju. The woman's skin on her arms looked ghostly white - so sickly, so deathly. With a shaking hand, he placed a thumb over the pressure point on her wrist to check her pulse. He waited a few moments and prayed to whatever god that he would feel something, no matter how faint.

His prayers went unanswered, however, and even after fifteen seconds, he felt nothing. Kibum's mother was dead. He had just confirmed it.

_Kibum's mother was dead. Kibum's father was dead. And he had just confirmed it._

Jinki felt himself crouch on the ground, and he began to sob. He held his head in his hands, his phone lost somewhere on the floor. He let out gross, painful sobs, and felt his chest clench in an unbearably painful way. His breath hitched in his throat, and he struggled to breathe while trying to process the situation in his mind. Kibum's equally painful screams filled the room, and Jinki could feel his brain pulsing in his skull.

"No...no...no..."

Jinki repeated the same word over and over like a mantra, hoping that this was some awful nightmare. He continuously hit himself in the head, pinched himself, did anything he could to wake himself from this hellish reality. Nothing seemed to work, however, and every time he opened his eyes, the scene didn't change. The heavy stench of death and decay filled the air, and he felt so dizzy that he threw up on the spot before passing out entirely.

#  **25 May 2017 (23:28)**

Jinki woke up abruptly to the sound of sirens. Two, three, he wasn't entirely sure. Their shrill whistle filled the air, and it made his already pounding headache worse. He rubbed his eyes a little too harshly and almost gagged when the stench of the room hit the air. It smelled of old food, death, and bile. Resisting the urge to empty his stomach again, he sat up against the wall. The sky was dark, but a series of red flashing lights shined through the windows. Jinki heard multiple voices right outside the house, talking among themselves and to their radios to report back to their designated stations.

Jinki tore his attention away from the voices, and he looked over to see Kibum crumpled in a corner. He wasn't making a sound, although his chest moved slowly up and down, so he had obviously passed out as well. Jinki's heart shattered at the thought of tonight's events, and he was about to crawl over to comfort his friend when he heard the front door begin to open slowly.

"This is the police! Stay where you are!"

Jinki froze on the spot and didn't move a muscle. He heard multiple sets of footsteps begin to make their way through the house, muffled and quick. Every few seconds, he would hear the word "clear!" being called from some part of the house. A few seconds later, a few officers entered the dining room where Jinki and Kibum were, and almost immediately did they rush over to the boys.

"They...I...gone...why..."

Jinki could hardly manage to say two words in a row as a female officer knelt by his side. In the meantime, three or four paramedics made their way to Kibum's parents with stretchers and medical kits, though the attempt at saving the parents was futile at this point.

"Dead..." was all Jinki could say in a raspy voice when an older paramedic checked Hyeonju's pulse.

"Hey, hey," the female officer said suddenly, stealing Jinki's attention away from the gruesome scene and redirecting it to herself, "focus on me right now, okay? Can you tell me your name?"

"I...name...Lee...Lee J-Jinki..."

The words were heavy and painful in his throat, but he tried his best to push through. The officer nodded and continued.

"I'm Officer Choi, but you can call me Sunghee noona, okay? Tell me, Jinki, are you hurt at all?"

Sunghee was a lady with soft features and kind eyes, and she positioned herself so that she blocked Jinki's view of the scene. The aforementioned shook his head to her question.

"N-no..."

Before Sunghee could reply, however, the pair jumped when they heard Kibum begin to scream for his parents again. Immediately did flashbacks of the past half hour or so come back to Jinki, and immediately did his body react. His muscles tensed, and his eyes widened in terror, the grisly scenes flashing before his eyes.

"Hey, hey," Sunghee's calm voice said, "look at me, Jinki. You're safe. Focus on me, okay? Look into my eyes."

The nightmarish scenes faded, and when Jinki's eyes met Sunghee's, he immediately felt a bit more at ease. However, he felt another wave of tears begin to fall from his eyes. He didn't sob, but he couldn't control his fluctuating emotions. Sunghee, who had obviously dealt with situations similar to this, acted and spoke with experienced words and tones. "Hey, listen to my voice. I want you to breathe with me, okay? Five counts in, five counts out, can you do that for me?"

Jinki nodded stiffly and inhaled slowly, counting to five in his head.

_"One...two...three...four...five..."_

He then exhaled at the same rate.

_"Five...four...three...two...one..."_

"Good job, Jinki," Sunghee praised in a soothing tone, sending the boy a small smile. She continued to talk to Jinki and help calm him down for another minute or so before continuing. "Listen, Jinki. I'd like for us to head to the police station. We'll get you a warm blanket and some water, but we're going to have to ask you questions about tonight. Just so we can figure out exactly what happened. Is that okay?"

Jinki nodded, but he hesitated before saying one word. "Ki...Kibum?"

His ability to speak in full sentences was still not at full capacity, but Sunghee simply smiled sadly.

"He'll be coming down as well," she explained, "you can ride down together with me, how does that sound?"

Jinki could only nod in agreement, and before long, she helped Jinki stand from where he had been curled up for the past half hour or so. On the way out from the house, He noticed that a number of new vehicles had arrived on the scene - crime scene investigation, the coroner, and more police cars. The entire atmosphere felt utterly unreal to Jinki, and as Sunghee helped him and Kibum into a police car, he couldn't help but begin to cry again.

It was just too hard.

#  **6 June 2017 (10:34)**

Jinki felt nauseous, a looming aura of dread permeating throughout the entire apartment.

Today was Kibum's parents' funeral service, and if Jinki thought he was a mess, then Kibum was an absolute _trainwreck_. The latter had moved in with Jinki soon after his parents' murder, and although that provided a stable recovery environment for him, it didn't really make things any easier. The two didn't talk like they did before. Kibum hadn't smiled since the early evening of their movie night, and he barely talked anymore. Jinki could hardly blame him, however. He was recovering, too.

The two got ready in a rather heavy silence. Jinki stood in the shower and allowed the nearly scalding hot water to rain on his back. He stood in silence, head down and eyes closed. The steam was hot and heavy in the air, and he breathed slowly in an attempt to calm his nerves. For a couple minutes, he just stood under the stream of water. Once he did finish up in the shower, he dried himself up and dressed in the black suit he had hanging on the door. The clothing was hot and uncomfortable, especially since it was the middle of summer. However, he did his best to push away the discomfort.

After dressing himself, Jinki exited the bathroom and made his way up the stairs to his loft, where Kibum was standing in front of the mirror adjacent to their bed. Exhaling the breath he was apparently holding, Jinki slowly walked over to his friend, who looked over at him upon hearing the footsteps on the stairs.

"Hey," Jinki said in a soft voice, lips forming a thin smile as he plopped himself down on the low bed. Kibum nodded and opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Instead, he turned back to the mirror with a black tie in hand. Jinki watched Kibum as he tried a couple times to form his knot properly. Each time ended in failure, however, and when the younger made a rather frustrated noise, Jinki stood and took a step over to his friend.

"Let me help," was all he said, gently grabbing the silk tie from Kibum's hand. The latter didn't respond, but he didn't protest. Taking this as a positive sign, Jinki got to work tying a Windsor knot for his friend, his movements slow and gentle. He looked up a couple times to look at Kibum, whose eyes were fluttered closed.

"Let me know if it's too tight," Jinki said after a few moments' silence.

Kibum simply nodded.

#  **6 June 2017 (14:45)**

The funeral went as well as any funeral could, really.

The gathering was small and private, with a few work friends of Kibum's parents, some acquaintances, and a few of Kibum's and Jinki's mutual friends in attendance. Their three closest friends, Kim Jonghyun, Lee Taemin, and Choi Minho, worked with their school to gather donations to help pay for the rather expensive service. Kibum and Jinki were eternally grateful for their friends' selfless charity, and because of their help, the pair were able to make a few extra purchases, such as handmade urns for Hyeonju's and Sungmin's ashes, and above ground gravestones. Since Kibum's parents died an unfortunately violent death, Kibum and Jinki agreed on cremating them and planned to spread half of their ashes somewhere beautiful in the future.

The pair arrived at the funeral home around 11 o'clock, where they set up photo collages of Hyeonju and Sungmin they had prepared. The whole ordeal was extremely challenging for Kibum especially, whose cheeks glimmered with pained tears. In the background, a piano compilation of Studio Ghibli songs played softly, their sweet and soft melodies bringing back bittersweet memories.

As the guests arrived, Jinki and Kibum greeted them with forced smiles and strained voices. Every guest extended their words of sympathy and admiration of Hyeonju and Sungmin to Kibum, who simply nodded in reply, not daring to say anything. Jinki did his best to speak for Kibum, thanking each guest for attending and for their thoughts and prayers. The receiving line was difficult for the both of them, but it was a vital part of the service, and Jinki did what he could to help Kibum through the ordeal.

The actual memorial service was rather peaceful. Two of Kibum's close friends, Kim Jiyeon and Park Chanyeol, covered Spirited Away's _Always With Me_ \- Hyeonju's favorite song. The presentation elicited an overall emotional response, with many guests tearing up at the simple but beautiful song. Kibum rested his head on Jinki's shoulder, tears flowing from his eyes at a constant rate, the raw pain in his eyes a heartbreaking sight. Jiyeon's voice was airy and sweet while Chanyeol softly played the song's relatively simple harmony. If the event weren't so melancholy, Jinki would have sported a broad smile. Instead, his lips formed a thin line as he held his best friend's hand tightly, afraid that if he let go, Kibum would slowly disappear.

Jinki didn't remember much from the burial, to be honest. That particular part of the service was the most burdensome, and even though Hyeonju and Sungmin weren't his parents, he had been one of the people to find them dead. The reality of his trauma hit him hard when he saw the two urns next to their joint gravestone, which read:

_Lee Sungmin | Lee Hyeonju10_

_April 1964 | 15 October 1963_

_Golden souls_

_Eternally loved_

_Rest in peace_

The inscriptions were simple but exceptionally meaningful. Kibum spent days choosing each word carefully, and after the long burial ceremony ended, he knelt on the ground in front of his parents' grave. His head was bowed, and his mouth moved in a silent prayer. Jinki knelt next to him and held him closely. hoping his actions said the words he couldn't.

_"I'm here for you. I know this is hard. Let me help. I cherish you."_

#  **12 July 2017 (14:43)**

_"So, Mr. Lee, let me confirm. You are requesting to defer Kibum Kim's loan repayment for the next six months, is this correct?"_

_"Yes, that is correct."_

_"And this is due to the death of his parents?_

_"Yes."_

_"Very well. You should be expecting a call from us within the next 24 to 48 hours from now. You should also receive a letter in the mail within the next week outlining your new customized payment plan. In the meantime, I will need the documents I requested mailed in as soon as possible. From there, we can file your request and get the ball rolling. Do you have any more questions?"_

_"I don't think so. I will email or call you if I think of something. Thank you for your assistance today. We will be in contact."_

_"Okay. Have a good day."_

_"You too."_

With those final words, Jinki hung up the phone and placed it on the table before groaning and holding his head in his hands. Being on hold for over an hour to have a mere five-minute conversation was one of the most deafening moments of the day, and he was ready to just take a nap.

He knew he couldn't, however. Kibum was relying on him.

It wasn't that Kibum wasn't intelligent enough to handle his affairs. On the contrary, the latter was incredibly bright with a sharp mind and even sharper tongue. Everything changed, however, just two months and eighteen days ago on May 25th. Jinki still remembers Kibum's screams from when he found his parents in their dining room, slumped in their chairs with the meal still half-eaten on the table. The terrible, heartbreaking noise was still burned into his memory, sometimes replaying itself in Jinki's worst of nightmares. Both parents' carotids had been severed, and the arterial spray on the walls and ceiling proved to be a gruesome sight.

That night, something in Kibum died along with his parents.

That _something_ proved to be much larger than Jinki thought, and that _something_ was how he ended up as Kibum's official special power of attorney. The younger had quickly fallen into an understandable bout of severe depression shortly after his parent's _murder_ , and it definitely did not help that the investigators never found out who had committed the heinous crime. It just wasn't right.

It just wasn't fair.

Still, time went on. Days and weeks passed, but with no other siblings or extended family available to help, Jinki quickly turned into a de facto parent, brother, therapist, and assistant all in one. Did Jinki mind? Well, no. He and Kibum had been best friends for two years, and he would do anything for his friend.

Times had been hard for Jinki as well. After all, he had been there when the pair found Kibum's parents. The experienced had traumatized him, and while he did everything he could to help his best friend, he still had to accept and mentally work through what he had gone through. Sometimes, he cried himself to sleep at night. Sometimes, he woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares of that horrendous evening. Sometimes, he felt nothing at all.

Despite all this, he pushed through everything. Perhaps it was because he found comfort in taking care of his friend. It was a weird form of therapy, and as long as Jinki could help Kibum, the quicker he would heal.

#  **29 August 2017 (19:03)**

Some days were onerous.

The weeks following the initial discovery, investigation, and shock of events showed a darker side of Kibum. Rather than sad and pitiful, this side of Kibum was angry, resentful, guilt-ridden, and extremely self-loathing. This side of Kibum was tough to deal with because of how bitter he had become, especially towards Jinki. Sometimes, Kibum would go days without talking to his best friend. Other days, he would yell at Jinki for the smallest things, often spiraling down into a dark sea of self-hate and isolation. Kibum often used hurtful words that were completely out-of-character for him, almost as if he were trying to push Jinki's buttons. If the latter had been more sensitive and less understanding of the situation, perhaps he would have given up. However, Jinki knew better. He knew that deep down, Kibum didn't much of what he said, to a certain extent. His emotions were understandably all over the place, and he was at a stage in his grieving where he needed someone to blame. Jinki was that scapegoat, but if it meant that Kibum would eventually pull through that dark stage, he was willing to endure it. Still. It was hard.

"Why do you even care anymore?"

Kibum's voice was steady, but the poison that coated his words made him erratic. Jinki, having become accustomed to his friend's outbursts, did his best to handle the situation like all the others. Patience, patience, patience.

"You know why, Kibum," he replied in the softest tone possible, staring directly into his sharp eyes, "because you're my best friend, and I care about you."

"All I've become is a goddamn burden," Kibum hissed, "I'm not the same person I once was, hyung. I'm an unstable, anxiety-ridden bum who apparently can't handle the curve-balls of life."

"What happened was much more than a curve-ball, Kibum!" Jinki replied in an exasperated voice, "what happened to you was a trauma that very few people have to experience. Everything you're going through is completely justified and-"

"Stop, hyung, just stop. When will you just admit that I've turned into a nuisance?"

Kibum's words were still angry, but his face was more forlorn and hurt. His mouth spewed fighting words, but deep down, his heart still yearned for his parents and for some kind of familiar love.

"When will you just admit that I'm not worth having as a friend anymore?"

That last question caused something to snap in Jinki, and immediately did he reach for Kibum's hand. The latter retracted his hand with quick reflexes, but Jinki stood in a flash and grabbed the younger's hands in his own. Kibum struggled in Jinki's grip, but Jinki was much stronger. He stood face-to-face with his friend, eyes burning with anguish and desperation.

"Kim Kibum," he whispered, "I want you to look me in the eye and ask me that same question."

"Let go of me, hyung," Kibum growled, but Jinki's grip didn't even twitch. Kibum struggled a little more before finally giving up. He simply stood his ground, stiff as a board, while looking forward with a burning gaze. He didn't say anything, however, because he couldn't bring himself to ask the heartbreaking question again. The pair stood there for a couple silent minutes, and Jinki could feel Kibum's muscles relax a little. Taking that as a mostly positive sign, the elder took a careful step forward and slowly embrace his friend in a comforting hug. Kibum had a couple centimeters on Jinki, but he seemed to melt into the latter's arms. Whether consciously or not, it didn't really matter. He felt Kibum begin to shake in his arms, a heartbreaking sign of silent sobs, but Jinki said nothing. He continued to hold his friend protectively, using his arms to say the words he didn't dare at the moment.

_"I'm here. You're safe with me. I'll never give up."_

#  **23 September 2017 (9:54)**

"Happy birthday, Kibum!"

Jinki smiled widely at a very sleepy Kibum, who had just made his way to the kitchen after having woken up comfortably. The younger, even in his drowsy state, managed to send his friend a small smile, to which Jinki grinned even wider.

_'This is the second smile I've seen in a week!'_

Kibum's smile has never recovered since his parents' murder, but four months' worth of healing has finally seemed to pay off. Even the smallest things like little smiles were huge victories. The seemingly insignificant action elated Jinki's already positive mood, and each of his steps had a bounce in them as he placed a series of plates and bowls in front of his friend, who was sitting at their little table.

"This food may not be up to your gourmet standard," Jinki joked as he set down a cup of green tea with honey, "but I tried my best."

"Man," Kibum said quietly, looking at the feast before him before looking up at his friend, "you...you cooked all this for me?"

"Well, it's not _my_ birthday today," Jinki joked with a chuckle before taking a seat across from his friend, "but if you don't mind, I'll be sharing."

"Of course."

Kibum looked at all the food on the table before looking up at Jinki once again and smiling softly. However, when Jinki looked back at his friend moments later, he was still staring at Jinki with a relatively unreadable expression.

"Everything okay?"

A couple moments of silence passed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay."

His lip twitched upward again before busying himself with digging into the meal Jinki had prepared. The latter knew that something was on Kibum's mind, but he didn't press the issue. The two ate and drank in a comfortable silence, the occasional _"can you pass the salt"_ or _"tastes great"_ comments breaking the silence. Jinki, in-between bites, would occasionally glance up at Kibum, who seemed to be enjoying his meal.

The two ate for the remainder of their meal in silence, and Jinki focused almost entirely on his food. When he looked up from his empty plate, however, his eyes widened to see Kibum's face buried in his two hands, plate empty as well.

"Oh...Kibum..."

Jinki scooted his chair closer to his friend, who hadn't looked up yet. He placed a protective arm Kibum's shoulder, and the latter immediately leaned into his friend. Jinki used his other hand to run a hand gently through the younger's hair, whispering words of "I'm here" and "let it out" in his ear. Kibum cried quietly for a couple more minutes before composing himself and eventually sitting back up in his chair. He uncovered his face to reveal red, puffy eyes, and tear-stained cheeks. He looked at Jinki before his eyes darted away.

"Sorry," he mumbled, grabbing a napkin from the table to blow his nose. Jinki shook his head.

"No," he replied softly, "don't apologize. I...I would rather have you cry in front of me than alone in the bathroom at night. Please...never apologize for being sad, okay?"

Jinki's words seemed to have alleviated Kibum's anxiety, and the latter simply nodded before blowing his nose again.

"I...I just...I thought of my parents...they always...they always cooked a homemade b-breakfast for me on my b-birthday, so...yeah...I...I miss them, hyung..."

"They're celebrating with us, you know," Jinki replied in barely over a whisper, placing a hand over his friend's hand, "up there, they're celebrating. Rejoicing that their handsome, intelligent, kindhearted son has grown up so well. You know that, Kibum, right?"

"I...I hope so," the aforementioned mumbled in reply, "I hope so..."

A moment of silence continued before Jinki continued.

"So. What do you want to do today? I've cleared my entire schedule. Your wish is my command."

#  **14 October 2017 (2:36)**

Kibum was crying again, and there was nothing Jinki could do about it. He felt so useless, so hopeless. Kibum had been recovering quite well, but sometimes, he cried at night, when he thought Jinki couldn't hear. Jinki knew that Kibum cried alone so that he wouldn't burden his friend, but it made Jinki sad.

All he wanted was for Kibum to find happiness again.

#  **9 November 2017 (16:54)**

Today was the first day the pair visited Kibum's parents' grave since the funeral. Kibum did not bawl, but his face was stiff, and a few tears fell from his eyes and down his cheeks anyway. Jinki had bought a lovely bouquet of white carnations to leave by the gravestone - a symbol of remembrance, and one of the pair's favorite flowers.

Kibum and Jinki stood by the grave for an extended period of time. For the first few minutes, neither man said anything. They stood at the marble headstone, the crisp fall air gently rustling the colorful leaves. The sky was clear, and the sun shined brightly through the trees. The atmosphere was serene and rather beautiful, and after a long while, Kibum walked to the headstone and delicately placed the bouquet of flowers against it. He didn't say a word, but when he straightened up, he closed his eyes and bowed his head. Jinki placed an arm around Kibum's shoulders, his own expression somber and pensive.

Jinki thought about all their memories together - their first meeting, the dinners, the late nights in their basement, their utmost kindness... Jinki smiled sadly to himself as he pondered these fond memories. He wanted to remember their legacy rather than their demise, and he hoped that he could help Kibum do the same in time.

#  **18 December 2017 (19:36)**

The holidays were a difficult time.

Kibum's emotional stability had been wavering the past few weeks, and today was an especially bad day. He had figuratively holed himself up on the pair's loft after grabbing a pack of seaweed to eat, and Jinki hadn't seen him since 9am. It already past dinner-time, and he was beginning to worry about his friend. He knew that Kibum had felt terrible about not being able to get Jinki a good gift for his birthday a few days ago, but that hardly even mattered. Jinki was just glad that he had Kibum in his life still.

The latter had recently been having dreams. Or nightmares, Jinki wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that Kibum would sometimes come to breakfast looking rather heartbroken. Whenever Jinki would inquire, the younger would simply reply, "I had a dream again." Jinki always wondered what the dreams were about, but he decided that he would ask in due time.

For now, he had to focus on helping Kibum grow healthier and happier.

"Kibum?" he said in a gentle voice as stood cautiously on the stairs up to the loft, "dinner's ready, if you want. I made bibimbap."

Kibum never came down for dinner, and Jinki fell asleep on the couch while watching _Spirited Away_ alone.

#  **9 January 2018 (3:47)**

"K-Kibum, just go-"

"No, hyung."

"I d-don't want y-you to-"

"With all due respect, hyung, please shut the hell up."

"B-but-"

Jinki never got to finish his sentence, as he promptly threw up into the toilet he was haphazardly leaning against. Kibum inhaled and held his friend's bangs back, so that they would not get anything too disgusting in them. Because of the body aches, fever, fatigue, and ever-present fever, Jinki concluded that he had caught the flu, and had been pretty much bedridden for the past couple days. Kibum, who had finally become comfortable with going out alone again, had gone grocery shopping for the two, and had even made an emergency medicine run the night before. If Jinki had been feeling better, he would have celebrated with Kibum on this huge milestone in his healing process. Given his state, however, Jinki was in no condition to do anything but sleep.

"Just let it all come out, hyung," Kibum continued in a gentle tone. He hardly reacted to Jinki's sickness, to which the aforementioned was extremely grateful.

"I...I'm sorry..." Jinki managed say in a rather weak voice, "for waking you..."

"Hush," Kibum replied, "I was already awake. Besides, what do you always say to me? You're my friend, and I care about you. Let...let me take care of you this time, hyung."

The elder lifted his head to look at his friend, whose eyes were a little droopy but genuine nonetheless. Resisting the urge to start crying, he simply rested his head on his arm, feeling his stomach gurgle uncomfortably. He felt Kibum run his hands through his hair, his touch gentle and familiar. This seemingly insignificant action comforted him immensely, and although he still felt like shit, knowing that Kibum was here made him feel a little bit better.

"I've already texted your boss to let him know you won't be in for work later today," Kibum said after a few moments of silence. Jinki, who took up a part-time job at the local library, groaned in reply.

"But Kibum, I-"

"No ifs, buts, or whats about it," the younger interjected unapologetically, "you feel like shit, you look like shit, and frankly, you smell like shit. You're sick as a dog and need the rest, okay?"

Jinki was in no position to protest, so he simply nodded before whipping his head around and dry heaving into the toilet.

At least Kibum was there to hold his hair back again and whisper words of encouragement.

#  **14 February 2018 (20:02)**

It was Valentine's Day evening, and Jinki had just returned home from a date with a girl he had met online named Park Sunyoung. She was a beautiful and unbelievably kind young lady, and the two had an admittedly enjoyable date. When the two were ready to part ways, however, they both agreed that they were probably not meant for each other. The spark, or the special something, perhaps, was missing, and they agreed to part on amicable terms and possibly remain as contacts.

So, when Jinki sauntered into the apartment, Kibum, who was dressed in his fox onesie, looked up from the television with wide eyes.

"Didn't expect you home so early," he said, muting the television to talk to his friend, "how did the date go?"

"Well, actually," Jinki replied, sighing and plopping down on the couch next to his friend, "but we just...we weren't meant for each other, if that makes sense."

"You were only on your first date," Kibum said in a rather incredulous voice, "how could you tell so early?"

"Dunno," Jinki sighed, leaning his head back, "there was just something...missing. I don't know how to explain it, really. We agreed to remain friends though."

"Good luck explaining that to her next boyfriend," the younger snorted, to which Jinki chuckled.

"Whatever you say."

There was a long moment of silence following that initial conversation. Jinki loosened and took off the tie that had been wrapped around his neck and unbuttoned the first two buttons of his dress shirt.

"Want a beer?" Kibum asked moments later, nodding to the fridge, "got some at the grocery today to celebrate another year of being single."

Jinki grimaced at Kibum's choice of words but nodded nonetheless. "Sure."

So, while Kibum retrieved the alcohol from the refrigerator, Jinki quickly changed into a pair of black sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt, literally sighing in relief when he stretched his arms and legs without restriction. He then walked down to the bathroom and washed his face before returning to the couch, where Kibum was sitting and already sipping on his beer. The latter offered Jinki a can, which he gladly accepted, and the two began watching their next episode of _Westworld_. Jinki watched the show with interest but couldn't help but let his mind wander every once in a while. He looked over at Kibum, whose eyes watched the show intently. He had definitely come a long way since his parents' murder back in May of last year, and Jinki was so proud. Sure, the beginning of recovery had seemed almost impossible for the both of them. However, the pair persisted, even though their worst of days. Kibum went from being an empty shell, void of most emotion except indignation and grief, to a recovering boy who grew a little happier each day, and at that moment, Jinki couldn't have been happier.

#  **2 March 2018 (12:00)**

Jinki had grown exceptionally concerned because Kibum had recently stopped talking to him. It didn't seem like the latter was falling into another bout of depression or anger. On the contrary, he seemed quite calm and collected. He simply stopped communicating with Jinki directly, only speaking face to face a few times a week, and it both worried and saddened Jinki deeply.

Had he done something wrong?

#  **11 April 2018 (4:31)**

It had been over a month since Kibum grew more distant from Jinki, and the fact took a toll on the latter's overall mental health. Kibum spoke to him a little more in person, and didn't act as coldly as he initially did, but Jinki was still affected by the younger's actions (or lack thereof, really). He smiled less and less, stopped hanging out with friends as often, and dreaded the repetition of each day. Every time he attempted to talk to Kibum about the sudden change of heart, the latter simply shrugged off the issue and either changed the subject or walked away. Perhaps it was some sort of aftershock from his parents' death, or some odd stage of grieving. Jinki wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but he hoped and prayed that this stage would pass because he didn't know how much longer he could handle being caught in this emotional limbo.

#  **25 May 2018 (15:15)**

######  **[I recommend listening to[this](https://youtu.be/YjohMzHkBqI?t=2753)]**

Kibum and Jinki stood next to each other in silence as they both gazed at Hyeonju's and Sungmin's headstone.

The pair had decided to honor the anniversary of Kibum's parents' deaths by visiting their grave after a year had passed. Kibum was still a bit emotionally distant from Jinki, but Kibum had begun to open up more and willingly talk with his friend more often than in the previous weeks. Jinki desperately wanted an explanation for Kibum's odd behavior, but he accepted the fact that he would likely receive the answers in due time.

Kibum stood still for a few moments before walking over to the gravestone and placing a new bouquet of white carnations against the marble.

"Hey, mom, dad," he mumbled a few moments later, his voice hitching slightly. Jinki raised his eyebrows, as he didn't expect Kibum to say anything, However, he simply stood and continued to listen intently. Kibum was still his friend, after all.

"I...I'm sorry I haven't gotten out to see you recently," the younger continued, a bit more confidently than before. He sniffed a couple times before speaking again. "I...I've just been trying to find myself again. When...when I first lost you, I felt as though I had lost everything. You...you were my everything. Everything was so good, and then...then someone took you from me. I was so empty, but so overwhelmed with so many negative emotions at the same time...I cried myself to sleep so many nights, and every little thing that reminded me of you set me off...I dreamed every night of seeing you again, of hugging you, of hearing your voices. Sometimes, I knew you were gone, and I often wanted to stay with you in that dreamlike state. Other times, I didn't know, and I woke up from that paradise with you to be greeted by the cold, harsh reality that...that you would never come back. That fact...it haunted me for the longest time and I...I felt guilty for any kind of positive emotion, whether it was happiness, hope, or love...I couldn't accept the fact that I could, in fact, still be happy even after you passed...my happiness and well-being rested solely on you, and as long as you were gone, I would only continue to deteriorate..."

Kibum had tears flowing from his eyes at that point, but Jinki was hesitant to comfort him. It seemed as though Kibum was having a conversation with his parents, and it would be inappropriate to interrupt the intimate moment.

"I miss you...I miss you every day, every night...But...I've slowly recovered. I mean, I'm slowly recovering...Jinki hyung is godsent, you know...he's been such a wonderful friend to me this past year...even at my lowest, he managed to pull me up, even if that meant lowering himself a bit. We...we've been healing together...and in our months of healing, I...gosh...I felt myself growing too attached to hyung. I...perhaps it was love...I'm not so sure. I was so afraid of these new emotions that I cut myself off from him for a while...looking back, it was a dumb idea, but what was I to do? I was so afraid, so guilty, so scared, that I panicked and just. I guess I initially thought that these feelings of love and admiration were only there to replace what I had lost...maybe it's true, maybe it's not...what I do know is that I've accepted the fact that I can, in fact, feel happiness and hope and love even though you're gone. That...it's because of Jinki hyung. Whether he knows it or not, he taught me how to feel again, how to be a human again, and for that, I am...grateful. I love you two, but I cannot let my emotional stability depend on you. I'm not letting you go, I'm simply moving on. Moving on, until we...until we meet again, far, far away in the future. Mom, dad, I hope you...I hope you can accept me for whoever I become...please forgive me and continue to love me, wherever you are. I...I've always loved you and I. I always will love you. I...I promise..."

With those final beautiful words, Kibum inhaled deeply before slowly turning to face Jinki. The latter was completely stunned at his friend's...confession? Is _that_ why he had been so distant lately? Kibum seemed to sense Jinki's surprise and turned to stand in front of his friend. The two stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before Kibum spoke again.

"I...I am...I'm sorry you found out this way..."

Jinki didn't know what to say, but he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Kibum sighed.

"You...you have been my lifeline this past year, and I always felt so guilty for, I don't know, holding you back and treating you the way I did..."

"Kibum," Jinki interrupted, "don't ever think you held me back. I-"

"You gave up everything to take care of me," Kibum interrupted back, "and I...I feel like I never showed my appreciation and-"

"You didn't need to, Kibum," the elder said, "you were in a bad place. You were vulnerable, lost, and hurt. I would have...I would do anything for you, you know that."

Kibum couldn't seem to hold his composure anymore, and he allowed a flood of tears to trickle down his cheeks. He averted his eyes and looked away to blow his nose on a tissue before looking back at Jinki with reddened eyes.

"J-Jinki hyung," he managed in a weak voice, "after my parents died, you...you became my everything. My words, my sentences...hell, my entire language. When I couldn't even write a damn email or make a simple phone call, you did it for me. When I tried to take my hand away because I was afraid, you held it with both of yours. When I tried to push you away, you stayed by my side. I was so afraid of the concept of loving you that I didn't even realize that I already did..."

"Kibum..."

"I don't...it's not romantic, you know. But I love you. I love every aspect of you, because I can't imagine my life without you in it. You helped me through the darkest times of my entire life, and I just...I don't know. The dreams I used to have of my parents used to be the only thing that brought me happiness, but I...I think I've accepted that...even if I have to give up all the dreams I never wanted to wake up from before, there still remain countless reasons of why I need you still. Of why I wake up every morning. Of why I continue to live and grow and heal."

Kibum closed his eyes and inhaled a couple times. Jinki felt a few tears forming in his eyes, his mind almost unable to process everything he had just heard.

"Kibum," he said, leaning in to hug his friend tightly, "you know I'll always be here for you. You know I'll always love you, right? You know I'll never leave. I never left or gave up because I knew you would heal in time. I knew I would find you again, buried under all the scars and tears. Even as we continue to heal, I want to be there for you. I want to be the person you can rely on and love as long as we are friends."

Kibum didn't reply for a long time. The two continued their embrace as a cool summer breeze tickled their skin and rustled the leaves. Jinki was a bit overwhelmed by everything that had happened today, but he figured that the two could talk about it when they returned home. For now, as he held his friend tightly, he didn't want to imagine being anywhere else in world but here.

"Thank you," Kibum said after a few minutes, "for helping me. For loving me. For saving me. For that, I owe you everything."

Jinki leaned back slightly and used his thumbs to delicately wipe the tears off his friend's cheeks.

"No, Kibum," he replied, smiling softly, "thank _you_."

* * *


	2. Let's Talk

Hello!

Wow, what a journey writing this little oneshot was. (Is it technically a oneshot or a short story? I'm not sure). I have never written an extended author's note like this on a piece before, but I guess I have a few things to say on this particular story, as it is actually very near and dear to me.

I had found some inspiration to write this piece after listening to Shinee's new song _Countless_. The lyrics had spoken to me once I looked them up, especially the line " _넌 나의 단어, 나의 문장, 나의 모든 언어_ " ( _You are my words, my sentences, my entire language_ ). That line actually inspired the whole Jinki becoming Kibum's power of attorney, since he started doing Kibum's paperwork and phone calls, if that makes sense. It did at the time, I guess. Still, that little idea begged the question - why would Jinki become Kibum's POA? Then, I thought of the obvious reason - Kibum would be a young adult whose parents were taken from him suddenly, and he would have nowhere else to turn but to Jinki.

And this is where the story becomes sentimental to me.

I actually lost my father in June of 2017. Although he did not die a violent death like Kibum's parents (though, the pancreatic cancer did wear him down so, so much), and although I still had my mom and brother, I still felt so...well, alone. So angry, so guilty, so melancholy. For my fellow Russian speakers out there, I guess a good way to put it was a feeling of _[тоска](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/309633-toska---noun-t--sk---russian-word-roughly-translated-as). _So, when I wrote about Kibum's internal emotional and spiritual struggles, I wrote about how I personally felt after my father passed. I really did shut down for a couple months, though I was a bit more numb than Kibum was. My emotional outbursts and depression didn't really start until September or so (around 3 months after his death), but that doesn't mean I didn't feel sad. I cried myself to sleep every night, every little thing that reminded me of him put me on edge, and even to this day, I see him in my dreams.

I wanted to write a piece that I could relate to - one that seemed raw and honest, because it was based off a true experience. I didn't have someone like Jinki in my life after my father died. I still lived with my family, and I'm thankful that I didn't go through a horrific trauma like Kibum did. The pain from losing my father was just as real, though, and even to this day, it still affects me.

Now, about the story itself.

I formatted it in an nontraditional way because I wanted to show the emotional and spiritual decline and growth without making it too damn long (remember, I only had a week to write this). I left Kibum's and Jinki's characters relatively open-ended and vague because there wasn't really a purpose. Nothing really happened before May 25th 2017, and we don't really know what will happen after May 25th 2018. The character development of this story takes place in that year, so the only contingencies I added were their approximate age (1 year post-graduation of university), and their residence in South Korea. (HOWEVER, I used a fake American address and emergency system in the story because I am not entirely sure how the Korean system works. Because of this, I used a bit of author's freedom to fill the gaps, so try not to mind these minor inconsistencies.

One other thing to note is that I don't actually ship OnKey. To be honest, it's one of my romantic NOTPs, but as a friendship, I'll let that ship sail any day. I love Key and Onew equally as Shinee members (let's be honest, Shinee is my bias), but I just can't do romance with them. Still, I think I made it work, and I left the ending a bit open-ended so that my non-Onkey shippers can enjoy their friendship, or Onkey shippers can imagine a future where they end up together. Who knows, maybe I'll write a sequel? (Not likely, but never say never, I guess)

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That really should be it. I do hope you enjoyed this story ♥


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